Crucial conversations are often with people who will continue to be in your life no matter how the conversation turns out, and these conversations may cover a span of time. For example, sometimes we have to approach a family member about an issue, a close friend, or a coworker that we see every day.
A friend told me about some crucial conversations she has had with her siblings concerning the care of their aging parents. Despite her many requests for help, they have simply ignored her, and she is left as the principal and really only caregiver for her parents—and at great sacrifice on her part. I questioned her approach, and it surely seems that she has been as clear and assertive as anyone could be. But she cannot force them to do what they are not willing to do. And so, her choices are to leave her parents without the care they need or keep doing what she is doing, which is totally not fair to her.
In such cases, the biggest issue you face is bitterness—allowing others to cause you to be bitter. That always backfires on us, doesn’t it? So, don’t let bitterness get a foothold. Hebrews tells us: See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (Hebrews 12:15).
When you allow those bitter roots to grow, you heap more trouble on yourself because bitterness will eat you alive, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It will affect your well-being.
Then, commit these intransient situations to God in prayer and wait for him to answer. I know that’s very hard to do because he never answers on our timetable, but he is a trustworthy God. If you are part of his family through faith in Jesus Christ, he has promised to care for you.
Read Psalm 91 and take great comfort in the truth that he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone (Psalm 91:11-12). Just take that promise at face value and be aware that God has sent angels to guard you and keep you from disaster. Even though you can’t see them, they are there. You then can rest in the shadow of the Almighty, because God is your refuge and fortress.
Now, let’s talk about how to react if you’re on the receiving end of a crucial conversation, perhaps one that has taken you by surprise. First remember that a good thing to do, if possible, is to buy yourself some time. Guard your mouth and your tongue. You may want to lash out and defend yourself, but if the sparks are flying, you might be well advised to simply buy some time.
How? Well, just say something like, “I need some time to think about this; can we come back to it tomorrow?” Or, “I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. Can you please give me a day to think about it?” I remember when, in a non-threatening situation, a woman I spoke to asked for time. I asked her a crucial question having to do with money, and she simply said, “I haven’t thought about that. Would you mind if I get back to you in a day or two?” I didn’t mind at all, and I appreciated her desire to answer the question from a more informed position.
Defending ourselves is the most natural course of action for us as human beings. And once we’re in defensive mode, it blocks our ability to take in new information or see two sides to an issue. Even though it’s a very normal reaction when some criticism is coming our way in an unexpected crucial conversation, it is the enemy of finding any kind of solution to the problem at hand.
So, how do we avoid being defensive? I find that my personality is pretty defensive—in other words, I get to defensive mode quicker than most people do! Not good, so it becomes a matter of prayer for me. You may not be aware of the crucial conversation that is coming your way,
A friend told me about some crucial conversations she has had with her siblings concerning the care of their aging parents. Despite her many requests for help, they have simply ignored her, and she is left as the principal and really only caregiver for her parents—and at great sacrifice on her part. I questioned her approach, and it surely seems that she has been as clear and assertive as anyone could be. But she cannot force them to do what they are not willing to do. And so, her choices are to leave her parents without the care they need or keep doing what she is doing, which is totally not fair to her.
In such cases, the biggest issue you face is bitterness—allowing others to cause you to be bitter. That always backfires on us, doesn’t it? So, don’t let bitterness get a foothold. Hebrews tells us: See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (Hebrews 12:15).
When you allow those bitter roots to grow, you heap more trouble on yourself because bitterness will eat you alive, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It will affect your well-being.
Then, commit these intransient situations to God in prayer and wait for him to answer. I know that’s very hard to do because he never answers on our timetable, but he is a trustworthy God. If you are part of his family through faith in Jesus Christ, he has promised to care for you.
Read Psalm 91 and take great comfort in the truth that he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone (Psalm 91:11-12). Just take that promise at face value and be aware that God has sent angels to guard you and keep you from disaster. Even though you can’t see them, they are there. You then can rest in the shadow of the Almighty, because God is your refuge and fortress.
Now, let’s talk about how to react if you’re on the receiving end of a crucial conversation, perhaps one that has taken you by surprise. First remember that a good thing to do, if possible, is to buy yourself some time. Guard your mouth and your tongue. You may want to lash out and defend yourself, but if the sparks are flying, you might be well advised to simply buy some time.
How? Well, just say something like, “I need some time to think about this; can we come back to it tomorrow?” Or, “I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. Can you please give me a day to think about it?” I remember when, in a non-threatening situation, a woman I spoke to asked for time. I asked her a crucial question having to do with money, and she simply said, “I haven’t thought about that. Would you mind if I get back to you in a day or two?” I didn’t mind at all, and I appreciated her desire to answer the question from a more informed position.
Defending ourselves is the most natural course of action for us as human beings. And once we’re in defensive mode, it blocks our ability to take in new information or see two sides to an issue. Even though it’s a very normal reaction when some criticism is coming our way in an unexpected crucial conversation, it is the enemy of finding any kind of solution to the problem at hand.
So, how do we avoid being defensive? I find that my personality is pretty defensive—in other words, I get to defensive mode quicker than most people do! Not good, so it becomes a matter of prayer for me. You may not be aware of the crucial conversation that is coming your way,